Tennis balls are ubiquitous and inexpensive. They're great for tennis... for a little while. Then they lose that carefree, Tigger-like bounciness and become dog toys.* But what if you don't have a dog? What can you do with some tennis balls?
Laundry? Yeah, tennis balls.
Household cleaning? Yep.
Parking? Got you covered.
Sensual self-massage? You bet your felted fluorescent balls.
Don't you worry, baby birds. I have chewed on this wooly problem for a while now, and I am ready to regurgitate my knowledge into your cheepinig little maws. So let's help you fledge the nest and unlock the McEnroe/MacGyver potential you have buried deep inside your life-hacking soul.

Go grab some balls from the bushes behind the local tennis courts. Intercept a lobbed ball at the local dog park. Begin training as a Wimbledon ball-boy. Do whatever you need to do to get a hold of these magical golden orbs.


*According to small, panicky corners of the Internet, tennis balls may be bad for your dog's health. That fuzzy yellow coating might be ruining Fido's teeth. They're choking hazards for large dogs. They could randomly explode.



Protect Your Floors


Spritz down your garments with a vodka dilution between dry cleaning to remove odors!

Refinishing a floor is a messy, time-consuming, and expensive task. It sucks, and you probably don't want to do it. I've done it professionally and it's not even fun when you're being paid for it.

Protect your precious floors by capping chair legs, walker feet*, and pirate pegs that might need to consistently slide or tap across your floor.

Just cut an X into the top of a tennis ball and insert the offending leg into the warm embrace of the tennis ball. Done.


*You've probably seen this trick at the local senior hang-out. Probably alongside a rousing game of shuffleboard or aqua-robics. Walker feet covered in tennis balls facilitate safe sliding and are easier to replace/cheaper than little rubber caps.



Laundry


I like my towels to be fluffy and absorbent, but I hate the smell and texture of clothes that have been laundered with fabric softening dryer sheets. In an attempt to ditch the dryer sheets, I decided to just go without. My clothes were fine, but my towels just weren't fluffy enough.

To fluff those towels, I decided to toss in a tennis ball. Or three. Just to see what would happen. Would they have the same effect as those made for TV dryer balls? Would they destroy the dryer? Would my neighbors complain about the thunking noises?

Turns out, tennis balls make a GREAT replacement for dryer sheets with regard to fluffification. Static prevention and scent, not so much. But those aren't necessary for my towels. Or comforter. Or any of my other giant linens that require fluffiness.



Garage Penetration Indicator


To keep those fragile boxes full of Christmas decorations and 6th grade soccer participation trophies safe, why not dangle a tennis ball from your garage ceiling to mark where you should stop?

Here's a way to do it*:

Hang a string from where you think it will hit the center of your windshield or the spot right in front of the driver.
Park better than you ever have before.
Using a stick, laser pointer, friend, or your eyeballs, determine where you should hang your tennis ball.
Put a screw into your sweet spot, then tie on the string.
Attach the string to the tennis ball.
Then just remember to stop when you hit the tennis ball as you drive into your garage.


*You could also make a dowel/tape/nail contraption to stick the string to the ceiling all in one go. Or just send a lanky friend onto the roof of your car. Or tie a string to a spear gun. There are other options, is all I'm trying to say.



Pool Cleaner


Now that the summer swimming season is just about winding down, I can share this little fact with you: Swimming pools get nasty. The more people who swim in them, the thicker and more disgusting the slick of human grease that floats to the top of the pool. Those kids who are retrieving various weights from the bottom of the pool? They're avoiding the BP* oil sheen at the surface.

Tennis balls can help absorb some of that people oil. The felted surface collects the nasty goop from the surface of the water. Toss in a few balls if your private pool is looking a little shiny.

This will not help in giant, public pools. Unless you make your own tennis ball floaties. (Which you might want to do, just in case you are afflicted with a case of prose-inspired hypochondria.)



Remove Floor Scuff Marks


Any school janitor worth his salt knows that there's no need to scrub the floors like Cinderella just to remove some scuff marks. There's an easier way. A faster way. A better way.

In the irony of ironies, tennis balls remove scuff marks. I know! I'm sure you've been playing a match at the local courts and have seen the signs that say, "No black-soled shoes." The signs are there to prevent the court from looking like a flat, green skate park, police academy driving range, or something else that is all scuffed up.* And to think, the tools to remove those scuff marks are RIGHT THERE.**

To remove those scuff marks, just put a tennis ball on a stick. Rubbed vigorously on top of a scuff mark, tennis balls act as an eraser. The felt has a good texture for removing the scuffs: rough without being too abrasive and gentle enough for special surfaces. Just like a school janitor.



Massager


After a long day of pushing a giant rock up a hill, I imagine that Sisyphus gets tired. Maybe he could use a massage. But he's doomed to an eternity of solitude. What's a lonely man to do if he needs some immediate relief in his sore muscles?

Grab a tennis ball, Sissy. Rub it over your boo-boo till it feels better. In fact, you can even lie down on that tennis ball to get a great back massage.

A tennis ball against the wall works for me. Just place it near the epicenter of pain, then wriggle around until it feels like I am no longer in jeopardy of suddenly separating into two halves like an earthworm. An earthworm with aspirational vertebral issues.*

(This also works on other muscle groups. It will not, however, work as a "personal" massager. Unless you are WAY into tennis.)



Childproof Corners


There are few scenes scarier than seeing a child bleeding profusely from the face. Especially if that child is rapidly losing blood in YOUR home.

If you're going to be hosting toddlers, or anyone else prone to running into sharp corners with the tender parts of their heads, try putting tennis balls over the nastier corners. If there's a bit of pipe jutting dangerously into your living space, pop a tennis ball on there. It'll deflect all but the most self-destructive of blows, and it'll give your home that "tennis pro" look that never goes out of style.



Sand Curves


Under most circumstances, sanding is a necessary but unpleasant task. When you're sanding a curve that needs to stay curvy, try wrapping a tennis ball with sandpaper. It'll prevent the flat spots and unevenness that you might get if you only sanded by hand.

Pros can generally sand any shape without sanding down corners or otherwise permanently affecting the shape of their project. If you're failing to get a smoothly rounded shape, try a tennis ball.



Jar Opener


Has this ever happened to you?

You've just finished a particularly sweaty tennis match, and you reach into your bag for a delicious and refreshing jar of pickles. But the lid seems to be glued to the jar. Not even He-Man (nor the other masters of the universe) could get that thing open. No pickles for you!

Not so fast. A tennis ball cut in half can easily pop those lids off. Just cut along the seam of the tennis ball. That'll leave you with a bulbous little green friend, coated with rubber on the inside. You can get a great grip just by using the modded ball to get a handle on the lid.



Photo Mount


Your pictures are probably wobbly. It's not your fault. You're a full-sized human being operating a camera the size of a pack of gum with a super-sensitive image sensor. If you breathe, you've ruined the shot. And you like breathing. So much so, in fact, that you will do it even while performing photography.

Like any good Instructaballer, you know that a tripod will make a world of difference. Perhaps you, like me, do not own a tripod. Perhaps you have a surplus of tennis balls. Perhaps you do have a tripod, but require a counterbalanced ball mount for steadiness off the 'pod.